I have to admit that I'm not handling this whole funding/job situation very well, from a mental-health standpoint. It's throwing me into a minor depression. I have to remind myself to eat sometimes; this is not at all my usual style. I had a brief rally when I authorized the tuition payment from my bank account this morning, a feeling of "well, at least that's over and done with!" The rally has ended.
I find that, when I go to my department of late, I feel this unexpected sense of shame and humiliation. The only thing I can think of as a comparison is the sensation of having been publicly abandoned or cheated on by a lover, and having to explain the situation to those colleagues who knew me (us?) before the bad stuff happened. It feels awful. And that kind of experience is essentially the only one left to me as a reason to go at all. No TAship, no classes = no reason to drop by the department at all. Oh, I forgot, there's also the possibility of checking my mail folder. Today, it let me know that another fellowship program rejected me.
What on earth am I supposed to do with myself all day?
1 year ago