So, I'm a pseudologist. In real life, there are many sub-disciplines of my field, but for the moment, let us hew to Mark Twain's parsing of pseudology as comprised of Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. (Statisticians reading this blog, please don't jump down my throat. It's all in good fun.) Let us say, for hypothetical purposes, that I am a Damn Liar. Well, in that case, RAU is in search of a good Damn Liar who moonlights as a Statistician, wears funky purple hats on Thursdays, can sing the entire Englebert Humperdinck songbook from memory, and only dates transsexual Latvians.
(My metaphor is clearly inadequate to this task, but one can only ask so much of a pseudonymous blogging identity, you know?)
Point being, it's not that it's impossible for me to fill all the desired criteria, given the proper circumstances. However, the odds of that happening are really, really unlikely.
So I was pretty much shocked as hell when RAU got back to me and requested a telephone interview.
What in heaven's name am I supposed to say to these people? Is there any way for me to sound enthusiastic about trying to re-package myself as the ideal candidate? I mean, jeez, I don't even like the location of RAU, and I'm applying to jobs in some pretty out of the way and not-so-hot places to live. And, without casting any aspersions on Joey Jojo Junior Shabadoo who fits the job description to a T and is no doubt reading this blog with rising indignation, I don't want to be that candidate. If it didn't seem positively absurd in the current job market, my preference would be to tell them candidly on the phone
- that I am a far cry from what they're looking for;
- that I have not the slightest intention of morphing into a purple-hatted, Humperdinck-singin', Latvian transsexual-datin' Statistician for anyone;
- but that if they want me as I am and the ideal candidate has yet to appear, then they are welcome to consider me on my own genuine merits.
Ahem. So, I really have no fucking idea what I'm going to say when this interview rolls around. A part of me honestly wonders if the entire telephone interview isn't RAU's passive-aggressive way of saying "Fuck you for wasting our time; now we can waste yours!" Do schools ever do that? Is it conceivable that they would go to this trouble for someone who is almost certainly an outlying candidate, rather than an obvious short-lister? I feel kind of like RAU is pranking me with this whole business.